Floating Around in the Non-Binary

It stormed today. It started with a wet, nasty slush that fell from the sky. Slowly, it evolved–or perhaps devolved–into thick flakes of snow. Soon enough, everything was coated in white. The roads were horrid, all slick and slippery. There were accidents of the vehicular variety; my grandparents, for example, were stuck in traffic for nearly five hours while a wreck was cleared from the road.

Now, all is silent. The sky is black and clear, though the snow lingers on the ground. Tonight, I am sure, it will freeze, turning the streets into rinks of ice once again.

This is the price we pay for living in New Hampshire, I suppose.

Aside from the weather, things have been okay at best. There is still a lot of family stuff going on, and a lot of personal turmoil. Some of it has to do with what’s happening with my cousin. Some of it has to do with the fact that I can’t hide who I am anymore. So I’m dealing with a lot.

To break those thoughts down–my cousin has stage four cancer that she is dying from. She is not even thirty years old yet. This is a really hard time for my family, as we are basically watching her die in front of us. She’s a trooper, though. She’s amazing, and beautiful, and I love her so much. We might not talk much, but I just…I think she deserves the world. It’s terrible, and I’m crying right now. Sobbing. When I think about her, laying in bed, bleeding internally and just carrying on, I can’t breathe. She’s so brave.

My heart hurts.

I am not going to lie. I had to step away from this post for a moment before I could continue on.

The other part of what I was writing about earlier is that I have come to terms with the fact that I am non-binary. This is why I want to change my name from Kimberly to Devyn. Kimberly is not really a gender-neutral name. Devyn is. Or, at least, I feel it to be. But what does non-binary mean? Simply put–I am neither male nor female, but something beautifully in between. That’s how I feel, and how I view myself. I don’t fit into the ‘female’ category, and I don’t really fit into the ‘male’ spectrum, either. It might sound confusing, but basically, some days I want to dress all pretty and girls, while other days it’s just the opposite. Some days I’m both, and want to wear combat boots, jeans, and a sweat shirt (all from the men’s section) while doing my hair and makeup.

Another thing that has to do with it–and this might be a little too much information, but what the hell, it’s my blog–sometimes I’m super glad that, physically, I am female. There are times, however, when I want to be male so badly that I can taste it. And, on occasion, I would love to look down at myself and be both. I’m working my way through these feelings. Thankfully, I have a loving wife who completely supports me, friends that understand, and a great support system in my therapist, psychiatrist, and others that work with my mental health.

Now I just have to get my family on board. Easier said than done, but eh. Who am I to complain? They love me, in their own way. Coming out once as loving women was hard. Coming out to them again to tell them that I am non-binary is going to be far more difficult, I think.

So, if I may ask this question to anyone who might read my blog: do you know of any non-binary characters in shows, books, movies, video games? I’m desperately looking for heroes to look up to. Already, I have been turned on to the Netflix show She-Ra. In the newest season, there is a non-binary character named Double Trouble who is actually voiced by a non-binary person! I think that sort of representation is wonderful, and it has made me want to watch the show!

double-trouble

I’ve also found a few fantasy novels (I’m a huge fantasy geek when it comes to novels, and you probably know if you’ve been following my blog) that feature characters that are either non-binary, intersex, or transgender. This makes me extremely happy, but there needs to be more, in my opinion. We need representation. We need to be loved, and understood.

My wife and I tend to write stories back and forth to each other. “Role-Playing,” we call it, though that’s sort of an odd sort of way to describe it. These “RPs” tend to focus on things that we would like to explore in a safe setting (i.e., with each other), but placed in different worlds to our own. For example, we like to write a lot of fantasy or science fiction stories featuring characters that we’ve made up specifically for that story, or, sometimes, characters that exist in other medias (like anime characters, video game characters, or characters from other things we’ve written separately).

In our current story, one of my characters is non-binary. I am not certain yet if they are intersex or not, but either way, they do not fit into either category of male or female. I. Freaking. Love. Them. I named them Nyx, and I just…I really want to keep them alive. By that, I mean I want to explore them more. I want to build upon their character. They will become a staple of future RPs, I am sure. I also really would like a bjd of them!

Speaking of bjds…I am toying with the idea of selling all of my Monster High dolls and other fashion dolls so that I can afford another ball-jointed doll. So far, I have two–Belladonna and Lavender. Lavender is technically not a bjd, as she is made of ABS plastic and not resin. Still…I consider her one.

Belladonna needs a new face-up as well. I’m remaking her character! Instead of being a sugary sweet evil queen, I’m considering making her a dark Goddess. Not necessarily evil per say, but dark. She isn’t well understood in the world she is from, and many people see her as nothing more than death and night and all things frightening. Though that is her realm, she has a kind heart and loves all living things. This version of her is based on Noire, who is a character I am currently RPing with my wife (the same story Nyx is from).

Of course, this means that I’ll have to either purchase new clothing for Belladonna, or sew some new duds for her. That being said…I have nothing in the way of patterns that suit her new personality. Ugh! I might just make it up as I go, but I am heavily inspired by HellCorgi‘s things.

(Above images all credited to @hellcorgi on Instagram)

Ah, man. I love their work so much. It’s all so delicate and beautiful! I really want to learn how to make doll clothing like that. It’s so elegant. If I had the money, I would commission them in an instant to make at least three outfits for Belladonna!

…this blog post has been all over the place. That’s my mind recently, though.

Author: klcullipher

I am a woman, a writer, a lover, and fighter for what I believe in.

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